Finding Myself again

When I was in KL, during the first few weeks of being in a actual city, it was then I lost myself. Making one mistake after another, my confidence, potential and the path I wished to walk just seem to crumble away at my feet.

It was a lot easier when I was younger. I was more composed, clear headed and my values hadn't slipped from my grasp. I also always had good friends who helped me keep it together. But as soon as I was on my own, I started making the wrong decisions, acting upon thoughts which I believed were right but in the end proved to be wrong. Instead of moving forward in life, looking back now, it seems like I took a few steps back instead.

I remember a close friend of mine, she said that I was mature for my age. I was flattered and the funny thing was, I wasn't trying to be mature or anything. I just came off that way, well to her I guess. After returning from KL for the first time, I spoke with her again and during one of our conversations, she pointed out that I had changed, that i wasn't the same as before and not in a good way.

Its taken a year and a half for me to get over my first mistake, the loss of the love of my life and several other blunders that I'm too ashamed to retell. Ever since its been a slow but steady road to improvement. I'm not the same anymore but at least I'm better.

I have to start finding myself all over again. Fuck...

Its started Again

Hey I haven't blogged in a while I know, but now I finally have some things worth talking about, well I think I do anyways.

Well, I went to Hamish's birthday celebration the other day, it was awesome. I just got really fucked off my face. I was smoking and drinking to no end and It was good. I really needed it. I've been really stressed out with work but seeing everyone again really help put me in a good mood.

I've finally found someone. Her name's Jane, she's Philipino but she was raised in Australia. She's just so, awesome. Like I have fun when I'm with her, she's smart, good natured, pretty and beyond all else, she's unique, different all together just bright is the only way I can describe it.

I asked her out on a date so we're not in a relationship yet, but I'm finding out more about her and hopefully this leads somewhere.

I miss a lot of people from Kl but its hard for me to keep in contact with them. I have to work on that.

Understanding

Okay well, my biggest problem is that I want to understand, really know something before I jump into anything. I find it a lot easier to handle everything if I just knew or understood better. Sadly this causes me to over think and really, just mess everything up. I believe that's our biggest problems as human beings. We tend to over think all the little things and just end up making it harder on ourselves.

Anyway, I don't get a lot of girls. Like quite literally I just don't understand them sometimes. I've been, for the past few weeks, saying to myself that I have had enough of women. This is because I find it easier to stay away and not think about how lonely I am and how much I would give just to have someone there. In a way I've been running away because it makes it easier to handle than face up to the problem, which for me is women.

I don't understand how you can make someone smile, show that you care and genuinely be there for them and sometimes, you still get shot down. How you know you could be the perfect guy for someone yet they still don't accept you for it.

For me at least, I need someone I can just be happy with and someone that's just happy to be with me to. Its just hard sometimes looking or waiting for that someone because it eats at you and sometimes happiness just isn't enough for them. Why?...

Pissed off

Okay last night I attended a party. It was George's and Kamal's leaving party. Also it was Jed's birthday celebration.

Anyways, I haven't talked to people in like ages and It was kinda nice seeing everyone and trying to catch up again. What pissed me off is that Miao, one of my "supposed" best friends, felt the need to guilt trip me for not talking to her in a long time. She said "we aren't as close anymore" but I mean what the fuck. I don't speak to most of my friends whenever I go over sea's but when I get back nothing has changed.

Like whenever I see Hamish, David, Haz,Dan anyone of my friends that I haven't talked to in a while, when we do get the chance to talk and hang out its just like old times. I wasn't in the right state of mind last night to register what was going on so in a sense I did fall for the guilt tripping.

I'm not a guy to let someone toy with his emotions but I tried to be nice and catch up with her. In the end I don't think its worth it. Don't fucking mess with my emotions. I'm not that pathetic anymore.

Emotion

Well I haven't written anything in a while so here's something.

It always puzzled me why people always go for looks over personality. Whenever I meet anyone I try to find out more about them and what they are like. In a way, talking to people I can sense a sort of depth in their personalities. Whether they've been through a lot, really experienced life or are just really stale.

For the most part a lot of people I know feel like they have really deep personalities and its with these people (my friends) who I really like to hang out with but back to my point, You seem to find a lot of people who go for looks and attraction rather than what the person is like. The outcome is the same, they usually get played around with and get their heart crushed in the process. I won't deny that I go for the occasional looks but its not what counts, it really isn't.

I guess I'm just rambling but it'd be nicer if people actually went for personality over looks but I don't think that will be the case.

Random

Here's something I wrote a while back, its the only peace of writing I'm kinda proud of.

As I see the faces
As I see the crowd
As I see the people
Only one face stands out
Who's this face I see
Who's this person that calls to me
Is it my one and only
Is this my better half
Or am I just dreaming again
Because these things just don't last

Kinda depressing I know and a few people said that it felt unfinished so I'll try working on it but don't expect much.

I'm heading off to Melbourne soon and I'm fucking excited. It still hasn't properly hit me that I'm actually going to be in Australia studying. Good things are finally heading my way and I couldn't be happier. See all you guys soon in Oz!

Walls

Well okay, nothing much has been going on lately, I've just been chillin with a few of my friends. My ex is back in town, not feeling to great about that.

She was my first love and the happiest moments of my life were spent with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends they're like family to me but it was different with her (my ex).

There was a point in my life where I just said to myself "If I could make her genuinely smile there was nothing more I needed out of life." But things change and not always for the better.

I look at it now and it all seems like such a big lie. But fuck it, I'm not someone to have their life warped just because of something so insignificant.

Stand up, stand tall and move forward. If there's an obstacle in your way knock it down. She's nothing to me now. Just waiting for someone worth while to come along.