Sane Again

Well it took a while but I'm back to my normal state of mind, well I'd like to think so anyway. Hamish just got back last night and he had everyone over at his place, Lee, Raymond, Nikki, Jade, Laura, George and Dan. It was a good night while I was there sadly my mother had to come through and pick me up early so that kind of ruined my night but hey, she's leaving tomorrow!!!

What really sucks is the fact that I'm 19 but I still don't get any freedom what so ever and when i do things out of what is considered the "correct" thing to do, then I get my emotions used against me but we all go on and I've been through enough to deal with this shit so no point in complaining.

Spent the day with Miao, Dinesh, Marcus, Chloe and Nelson before I went off to Hamish's house and it was a pretty fun day. It felt like high school again, throwing insults back and forth and tearing apart any pride or dignity our friends have. It's all in good fun and we don't mean anything by it but god damn does it feel good. :D

Dude

Well it finally feels like everything is slowly getting back into place again. Spent an awesome day with Lee, Jed and Kamal. I just have to say this though, Lee is fucking creative man. Like shit, he just comes up with really interesting ways to do shit. I would give and example but I don't think he'd or anyone else would like it if I posted it up.

I'm a bit excited because Hamish is coming back like tomorrow and Faiz is supposed to be arriving today, which is pretty cool. I can't wait to see Hamish again and just hang with Faiz before he heads off to do National service.

Nothing to interesting to put into this blogpost this time around, just saying, my friends are awesome.

The Spark

Whenever you meet someone a million things run through your head but the one thing that never seems to be there for me is the spark. That genuine feeling of liking someone. As far as it goes I haven't met a girl in the past few months thats given me that feeling.

What is it that causes it? Attraction? Personality? Or is it a bit of both? It depends on the person I guess but either way the situation stays the same. Meet someone, become their friend and end of story.

You eventually get tired and sick of looking and then waiting but what else is there to do? Giving up seems to be the only and last option yet my pride won't bring me to do so.

Go on, don't worry or think about it. The option I'm sticking to and the same option thats the hardest to do.

Fucking Up

I don't know but for some fucked up reason I'm starting to go insane. I'm not my usual self, I should be caring more and being there more often for my friends and basically everyone that cares about me. Sadly thats not the case...

Sometimes the best way to express yourself is through lyrics.

New Found Glory: "Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong this year. Nothing recently has made me want stand up and cheer"

Rise Against: "Now all my friends are gone, maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved"

"I brought down the sky for you and all you did was shrug, you gave my emptiness a name"

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: "I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning grey"

Five Finger Death Punch: "I'm so fed up with everyone around me

(No one seems to care)
I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change
(I'll never be the same)

It's always do this, do that,
Everything they want to
I don't want to live that way
(No)
Every chance they get they're always
Pushin me away

[Chorus:]
It's never enough
No it's never enough
No matter what I say

It's never enough
No it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be

It's all so messed up and no one ever listens
(Everyone's deranged)
I'm just so fucked up and I'm never gonna change
(Wanna lay it all to waste)

They're always say this, say that,
Nothing that you want to
I don't want to live that way
Every chance they get they're always
Shovin me aside

In the end we're all just chalklines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I've been given
I am what I am

I'd rather hate you
For everything you are
Than ever love you
For something you are not

I'd rather you hate me
For everything I am
Than have you love me
For something that I can't."

I'll be fine and I'll strive on, it's just fucked up

You know you're awesome

I've been feeling really weird lately, like I've forgotten about who I am and what I stood for. It felt like everything was slipping from my grasp and the harder I try to hold on to my sense of identity it would slowly slip away.

If there's one thing that I'm thankful for in my life is my friends, all of them. They're always there for me and I try to be there for them, even though I do a really shitty job of it.

Jade, I couldn't be more thankful that my best friend got her for a girlfriend because she's just awesome. Sometimes just having someone there to listen makes everything better. It's strange, my two best friends find these awesome girlfriends and they immediately feel like family to me. So to Jade and Annie, your both awesome!

Another person who means the world to me is Miao, even if she doesn't realize it, she helps and makes the world a much brighter place and she just acts like herself, now thats a gift.

Dan, Faiz, Hamish, David, George, Kamal, Jed, Shaf, Tamasya, Shimi, Fabio, Anushya I'm glad I can call all of you family, I might not express it the right way sometimes but know that you all mean the world to me, all of you guys. Thanks for being there.

Dependence

Hey, putting in another entry today.

I just got to thinking the other day, there is too much dependence in this world. Whether it be the system, intoxicants and even people.

I awoke one day to find that I had settled down and had a comfortable life, wonderful friends and not a care in the world. It was a good feeling but I depended on my friends too much, my family and even my teachers. If I was ever alone in this world I would only have my pride to keep me going.

It disgusts me that I couldn't provide for myself or anyone else without relying on some sort of help. We, all of us as people, we haven't properly felt alive in our whole life. Everything is offered or provided for us, be it entertainment, food and enjoyment.

I have to learn how to feel alive once again. Without relying on anything but my will alone. So if everything fails around me, I can stand up and help those who can't help themselves. I'll become what most people have forgotten, truly independent.