Finding Myself again

When I was in KL, during the first few weeks of being in a actual city, it was then I lost myself. Making one mistake after another, my confidence, potential and the path I wished to walk just seem to crumble away at my feet.

It was a lot easier when I was younger. I was more composed, clear headed and my values hadn't slipped from my grasp. I also always had good friends who helped me keep it together. But as soon as I was on my own, I started making the wrong decisions, acting upon thoughts which I believed were right but in the end proved to be wrong. Instead of moving forward in life, looking back now, it seems like I took a few steps back instead.

I remember a close friend of mine, she said that I was mature for my age. I was flattered and the funny thing was, I wasn't trying to be mature or anything. I just came off that way, well to her I guess. After returning from KL for the first time, I spoke with her again and during one of our conversations, she pointed out that I had changed, that i wasn't the same as before and not in a good way.

Its taken a year and a half for me to get over my first mistake, the loss of the love of my life and several other blunders that I'm too ashamed to retell. Ever since its been a slow but steady road to improvement. I'm not the same anymore but at least I'm better.

I have to start finding myself all over again. Fuck...

Its started Again

Hey I haven't blogged in a while I know, but now I finally have some things worth talking about, well I think I do anyways.

Well, I went to Hamish's birthday celebration the other day, it was awesome. I just got really fucked off my face. I was smoking and drinking to no end and It was good. I really needed it. I've been really stressed out with work but seeing everyone again really help put me in a good mood.

I've finally found someone. Her name's Jane, she's Philipino but she was raised in Australia. She's just so, awesome. Like I have fun when I'm with her, she's smart, good natured, pretty and beyond all else, she's unique, different all together just bright is the only way I can describe it.

I asked her out on a date so we're not in a relationship yet, but I'm finding out more about her and hopefully this leads somewhere.

I miss a lot of people from Kl but its hard for me to keep in contact with them. I have to work on that.

Understanding

Okay well, my biggest problem is that I want to understand, really know something before I jump into anything. I find it a lot easier to handle everything if I just knew or understood better. Sadly this causes me to over think and really, just mess everything up. I believe that's our biggest problems as human beings. We tend to over think all the little things and just end up making it harder on ourselves.

Anyway, I don't get a lot of girls. Like quite literally I just don't understand them sometimes. I've been, for the past few weeks, saying to myself that I have had enough of women. This is because I find it easier to stay away and not think about how lonely I am and how much I would give just to have someone there. In a way I've been running away because it makes it easier to handle than face up to the problem, which for me is women.

I don't understand how you can make someone smile, show that you care and genuinely be there for them and sometimes, you still get shot down. How you know you could be the perfect guy for someone yet they still don't accept you for it.

For me at least, I need someone I can just be happy with and someone that's just happy to be with me to. Its just hard sometimes looking or waiting for that someone because it eats at you and sometimes happiness just isn't enough for them. Why?...

Pissed off

Okay last night I attended a party. It was George's and Kamal's leaving party. Also it was Jed's birthday celebration.

Anyways, I haven't talked to people in like ages and It was kinda nice seeing everyone and trying to catch up again. What pissed me off is that Miao, one of my "supposed" best friends, felt the need to guilt trip me for not talking to her in a long time. She said "we aren't as close anymore" but I mean what the fuck. I don't speak to most of my friends whenever I go over sea's but when I get back nothing has changed.

Like whenever I see Hamish, David, Haz,Dan anyone of my friends that I haven't talked to in a while, when we do get the chance to talk and hang out its just like old times. I wasn't in the right state of mind last night to register what was going on so in a sense I did fall for the guilt tripping.

I'm not a guy to let someone toy with his emotions but I tried to be nice and catch up with her. In the end I don't think its worth it. Don't fucking mess with my emotions. I'm not that pathetic anymore.

Emotion

Well I haven't written anything in a while so here's something.

It always puzzled me why people always go for looks over personality. Whenever I meet anyone I try to find out more about them and what they are like. In a way, talking to people I can sense a sort of depth in their personalities. Whether they've been through a lot, really experienced life or are just really stale.

For the most part a lot of people I know feel like they have really deep personalities and its with these people (my friends) who I really like to hang out with but back to my point, You seem to find a lot of people who go for looks and attraction rather than what the person is like. The outcome is the same, they usually get played around with and get their heart crushed in the process. I won't deny that I go for the occasional looks but its not what counts, it really isn't.

I guess I'm just rambling but it'd be nicer if people actually went for personality over looks but I don't think that will be the case.

Random

Here's something I wrote a while back, its the only peace of writing I'm kinda proud of.

As I see the faces
As I see the crowd
As I see the people
Only one face stands out
Who's this face I see
Who's this person that calls to me
Is it my one and only
Is this my better half
Or am I just dreaming again
Because these things just don't last

Kinda depressing I know and a few people said that it felt unfinished so I'll try working on it but don't expect much.

I'm heading off to Melbourne soon and I'm fucking excited. It still hasn't properly hit me that I'm actually going to be in Australia studying. Good things are finally heading my way and I couldn't be happier. See all you guys soon in Oz!

Walls

Well okay, nothing much has been going on lately, I've just been chillin with a few of my friends. My ex is back in town, not feeling to great about that.

She was my first love and the happiest moments of my life were spent with her. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends they're like family to me but it was different with her (my ex).

There was a point in my life where I just said to myself "If I could make her genuinely smile there was nothing more I needed out of life." But things change and not always for the better.

I look at it now and it all seems like such a big lie. But fuck it, I'm not someone to have their life warped just because of something so insignificant.

Stand up, stand tall and move forward. If there's an obstacle in your way knock it down. She's nothing to me now. Just waiting for someone worth while to come along.

Been a While

It's been a while since I wrote something so I guess I could put in something now. The only things that was interesting that happened to me was Jade's and Miao's parties.

Jade's 18th was just the best! I met her friends from JIS and had a really cool conversation about music history with her dad. It started with the best guitarist of all time, Jimi Hendrix. After knocking back a few more drinks, wearing my awesome Poncho that Jade gave me the permission to wear, I was feeling fairly good and I swear if I wore it more often I would have gotten laid :P.

Miao's party was different, there were a lot of people I knew and a few people I didn't but overall it was an awesome party. Dancing upstairs with a disco laser machine and the added dry smoke just to add affect made the party all that more trippy. It was a good party. The bartender for the night, Dan Law, he was making a drink called a Mohito and they were fantastic! It wasn't enough to get you pissed off your face but the mix was just absolutely amazing. I gotta ask him how he made it (mental note).

Well other than that, I might be heading to Australia to study instead of heading back to KL. It's a bit strange, I want to go to Oz, I really do. I want to see David and Annie again but I'm not sure if it's the right decision anymore... Well I'll see whats up, just maybe... I'll give myself a break :P.

Sane Again

Well it took a while but I'm back to my normal state of mind, well I'd like to think so anyway. Hamish just got back last night and he had everyone over at his place, Lee, Raymond, Nikki, Jade, Laura, George and Dan. It was a good night while I was there sadly my mother had to come through and pick me up early so that kind of ruined my night but hey, she's leaving tomorrow!!!

What really sucks is the fact that I'm 19 but I still don't get any freedom what so ever and when i do things out of what is considered the "correct" thing to do, then I get my emotions used against me but we all go on and I've been through enough to deal with this shit so no point in complaining.

Spent the day with Miao, Dinesh, Marcus, Chloe and Nelson before I went off to Hamish's house and it was a pretty fun day. It felt like high school again, throwing insults back and forth and tearing apart any pride or dignity our friends have. It's all in good fun and we don't mean anything by it but god damn does it feel good. :D

Dude

Well it finally feels like everything is slowly getting back into place again. Spent an awesome day with Lee, Jed and Kamal. I just have to say this though, Lee is fucking creative man. Like shit, he just comes up with really interesting ways to do shit. I would give and example but I don't think he'd or anyone else would like it if I posted it up.

I'm a bit excited because Hamish is coming back like tomorrow and Faiz is supposed to be arriving today, which is pretty cool. I can't wait to see Hamish again and just hang with Faiz before he heads off to do National service.

Nothing to interesting to put into this blogpost this time around, just saying, my friends are awesome.

The Spark

Whenever you meet someone a million things run through your head but the one thing that never seems to be there for me is the spark. That genuine feeling of liking someone. As far as it goes I haven't met a girl in the past few months thats given me that feeling.

What is it that causes it? Attraction? Personality? Or is it a bit of both? It depends on the person I guess but either way the situation stays the same. Meet someone, become their friend and end of story.

You eventually get tired and sick of looking and then waiting but what else is there to do? Giving up seems to be the only and last option yet my pride won't bring me to do so.

Go on, don't worry or think about it. The option I'm sticking to and the same option thats the hardest to do.

Fucking Up

I don't know but for some fucked up reason I'm starting to go insane. I'm not my usual self, I should be caring more and being there more often for my friends and basically everyone that cares about me. Sadly thats not the case...

Sometimes the best way to express yourself is through lyrics.

New Found Glory: "Everything that could have went wrong, went wrong this year. Nothing recently has made me want stand up and cheer"

Rise Against: "Now all my friends are gone, maybe we've outgrown all the things we once loved"

"I brought down the sky for you and all you did was shrug, you gave my emptiness a name"

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: "I know I'll be okay, though my skies are turning grey"

Five Finger Death Punch: "I'm so fed up with everyone around me

(No one seems to care)
I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change
(I'll never be the same)

It's always do this, do that,
Everything they want to
I don't want to live that way
(No)
Every chance they get they're always
Pushin me away

[Chorus:]
It's never enough
No it's never enough
No matter what I say

It's never enough
No it's never enough
I'll never be what you want me to be

It's all so messed up and no one ever listens
(Everyone's deranged)
I'm just so fucked up and I'm never gonna change
(Wanna lay it all to waste)

They're always say this, say that,
Nothing that you want to
I don't want to live that way
Every chance they get they're always
Shovin me aside

In the end we're all just chalklines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I've been given
I am what I am

I'd rather hate you
For everything you are
Than ever love you
For something you are not

I'd rather you hate me
For everything I am
Than have you love me
For something that I can't."

I'll be fine and I'll strive on, it's just fucked up

You know you're awesome

I've been feeling really weird lately, like I've forgotten about who I am and what I stood for. It felt like everything was slipping from my grasp and the harder I try to hold on to my sense of identity it would slowly slip away.

If there's one thing that I'm thankful for in my life is my friends, all of them. They're always there for me and I try to be there for them, even though I do a really shitty job of it.

Jade, I couldn't be more thankful that my best friend got her for a girlfriend because she's just awesome. Sometimes just having someone there to listen makes everything better. It's strange, my two best friends find these awesome girlfriends and they immediately feel like family to me. So to Jade and Annie, your both awesome!

Another person who means the world to me is Miao, even if she doesn't realize it, she helps and makes the world a much brighter place and she just acts like herself, now thats a gift.

Dan, Faiz, Hamish, David, George, Kamal, Jed, Shaf, Tamasya, Shimi, Fabio, Anushya I'm glad I can call all of you family, I might not express it the right way sometimes but know that you all mean the world to me, all of you guys. Thanks for being there.

Dependence

Hey, putting in another entry today.

I just got to thinking the other day, there is too much dependence in this world. Whether it be the system, intoxicants and even people.

I awoke one day to find that I had settled down and had a comfortable life, wonderful friends and not a care in the world. It was a good feeling but I depended on my friends too much, my family and even my teachers. If I was ever alone in this world I would only have my pride to keep me going.

It disgusts me that I couldn't provide for myself or anyone else without relying on some sort of help. We, all of us as people, we haven't properly felt alive in our whole life. Everything is offered or provided for us, be it entertainment, food and enjoyment.

I have to learn how to feel alive once again. Without relying on anything but my will alone. So if everything fails around me, I can stand up and help those who can't help themselves. I'll become what most people have forgotten, truly independent.

Chaotic distress

Okay, I never thought I would be blogging ever in my life but it couldn't hurt to give it a try.

Over the past few months I've really gotten to thinking, why is the world so fucked up? Not to anyone else but for me in particular. For some reason everybody or most people these days walk around without a clue of who they are or what they want and they rely on a lot of materialistic objects in order to be happy.

To me it just seems that most people have forgotten how to look within themselves to be happy. It's not my place to judge I know but it would be nicer to have more people just be happy with themselves instead of trying to change and become what other people think they should be.

I guess I'm thinking about this because its hard for me... to find someone and that shouldn't be an excuse but hey, thats just me.